You know when you see your ex, and its like “ugh barf what did I ever SEE in that person anyways?”, but then you start to spend some time with them, and slowly it starts coming back. Soon enough you’ve talked yourself into believing that you should definitely get back into a relationship with them and probably move in. I think I’m going through that right now with Santa Cruz. It’s only been a year since we moved, but it was a long hard year. We’ve grown a lot, but this is home. It feels awkward and a little sad and wistful to be here again. What if we never left? Would we be happier? The answer is probably no, but my heart wants me to pack it in and run for home.
All this was running through my mind when I joined my long time friend for yoga practice tonight. The room was hot and stuffy (why didn’t she tell me it was heated? I HATE hot yoga! Mostly just sweating buckets in front of strangers). There was a moment when I thought I might be sick, but then a breeze came from somewhere and saved my life. I kept up with a level 2-3 class after only practicing by myself for over a year! My friend is a true yogi. She can do all the crazy poses and binds! Normally I would be jealous of her for her amazing body, but tonight I was just proud. Of her and me. My body kept up pretty well!
Savasana finally came and I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. I couldn’t let my thoughts go. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and my nose got all stuffed up. I couldn’t hold it in and I was full on crying, in yoga class! Embarassing but powerful. I guess there is a heart chakra and you can open it. And when you open it, you never know what’s going to come poring out. Ugh, keep that shit closed please. Hold it together, jojo!
I think I just need more time away from Santa Cruz to get a better perspective on the place it holds in my life. I don’t think we should get back together until I have time to grow into who I need to become. It is nice to know I can always come back, if I need to. But I don’t think I will. I think we’re growing apart.
Then we went to cafe gratitude that has really annoying and condescending names for their food, like a rice bowl called “i am grateful” (it’s priced at only 7$, so poor people can eat healthy too. But make sure they’re grateful!) But it was a delicious vegan healthy dinner that was super filling and made me feel good about my life. I had these tacos with black beans, brown rice, and guac.
Then we had delicious raw “nuggets” for dessert, made with fruit and nuts and stuff!
Amazing. And, despite the condescending hippiness of the menu, I am grateful for everything that transpired tonight. Namaste!